Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Pointing Fingers


I've always had this strange feeling that everyone was pointing their finger at me. Pointing and whispering. I hear it in my mind's ear. Sometimes the sound of those words and the shrinking from the fingers I imagine pointing nearly makes me crawl within myself and refuse to come out. The weight of cumulative gaze of all those I imagine standing in judgement threatens to bow me to the ground in defeat.

"She's no good" one whispers. "Fat" says another. "Have you seen her house? Always out of order." "She sleeps too much." "Doesn't cook healthy enough meals." "Drops the ball." "Not a very good mother." 

I pretend not to hear. I take a walk, I laugh, I smile. I remind myself of the sermon our dear Pastor preached recently reminding us all that God made us each different for a reason. That he has a purpose in mind and created us for that purpose.

I relax slightly, the critical clamor dies a little.

I stand on Sunday morning, joining the choir to sing and they return. It feels like they are circling, pointing, beginning their own song, but this is not a harmonious song, at least not to my ears - "Who does she think she is up there?" "She doesn't belong." I sing on, but the song has lost it's beauty as I struggle to stay focused. I've known love here, acceptance here, it's not the fault of the people, it's my fault for not being able to properly accept that love. And the whispered song changes it's tune. "Yes it is your fault, your fault, your fault." You'll never get it right." The song ends, I find my seat. I try to breathe. I will not cry here in front of everyone.

Once again, I try to focus on the Word being given. To find the hope that I have found before. And it's there. It comes to me in the words from the Holy Word. It comes to me in the spoken word. A smile sent my way warms my heart. I reach. I accept. Someone in class says each of us, as a child of God, is a Prince or a Princess and I grab onto those words. A Princess. Not because of what I have or have not done, but because He said He wants me to be a Princess and I accepted the invitation. I know that. I'm trusting Him to help me live it. The whispers once again recede. 

They will return. But I'm learning to talk back. To take my stand as His Princess. To know who I am in Christ and walk in that knowledge. It's a faltering, stumbling walk, but it's walking. Most of the time. Sometimes it's crawling, but He picks me up and helps me walk again. And each time he stands me on my feet I stay there a little longer. The whispers stay silent longer and when they do return they are quieter. They leave quicker. Will they one day be gone completely? I don't know, but I do know they have no real power. His love is so much greater than my imagination. 

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MONDAY - Me, Coffee and Jesus TUESDAY - Tell It To Me Tuesday


13 comments:

  1. That is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. That is brave. Keep talking back!

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  2. Hello! I just found your blog:) saw your lovely curtains on pinterest ! Love this post and your blog! How beautify put and real ! I am going to follow
    XO Tami
    Ps god bless you !

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  3. Sometimes the bitterest enemy is the one that talks within our head. Thank you for shedding light on your struggles with this -- I have been in the same situation.
    Praying for you!

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  4. So true. Keep on fighting those lies though! Thank you for sharing an honest heart.

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  5. I hear your words. And I'm praying for you, Rose, that you will talk back every single time those lies come in.

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  6. It is hard work that you are doing ... replacing lies with truth, and I am proud of you for doing it. I like remembering that God loves some of those exact quirky things about me that I want to be different. Thanks for sharing this sweet honest post.

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  7. I love Paul's counsel to the Corinthians that we should 'make it our goal to please Him.' That cuts to the chase, eliminates all the people-pleasing, and simplifies our lives!

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  8. "To know who I am in Christ" - that's the key! Others may seek to strip us of our 'self-confidence' but when we know who we are in Christ, they are wasting their time!

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  9. I love this and have so been there! Yes, learning who I am in Christ revolutionized my life and the way I interacted with others...took away all that insecurity and fear. Have you seen the study Search for Significance? Addresses this issue beautifully. Wonderful post...Thank you!

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  10. It is so challenging to speak up to those voices that tell us we are less than we are! But he is so faithful when we turn to His word to define us.
    Thanks so much for sharing at mercy(INK)'s Heart&Home link up... I'm featuring your post later today!
    blessings,
    lauren

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  11. Oh, my heart goes out to you, and I can really relate. It used to be so much worse, and sometimes I lose the victory temporarily. praise god that He never loses the victory! As we are alive in Him and He in God. Stand firm, friend! "For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:3

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  12. Hey Rose,

    What a poignant post!

    We all feel those stares (real or imagined) at times. What a great reminder you shared - "His love is so much greater than my imagination." Love this!

    I found your site via Me, Coffee and Jesus. Glad to find you!

    Hope you have a great Monday!
    Blessings,
    Melanie

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